Paper vs. Plastic: The Country Picks a President

Many Americans face one particular dilemma every time they go to the grocery store. Should they request paper bags or plastic bags? I’d like to compare this to the dilemma many Americans may have when they go to the polls next Tuesday. Let me see if I can help these voters out of their quandary.

  Much has been written lately about the “paper or plastic” controversy, so I have taken it upon myself to do a little research on the subject.

Paper bags come from trees; plastic bags come from petroleum. More trees can be planted; oil is not unlimited.  Most paper bags are a natural brown color which I find more aesthetically pleasing that the harsh white of most plastic bags.  Paper bags will eventually break down in a landfill. Plastic bags can be around for hundreds of years, especially in Iraq, we have heard; thereby being more costly in the long-run. If you had to walk for four years carrying full bags in each hand, which type of bag would be more comfortable? Of course, the paper! Plastic handles start cutting into your palms the minute you pick them up. Then they swirl around and hit you in your legs too much. You can’t carry them in your arms because the things inside them shift around and eventually fall out. Then you are left with bruised legs and stuff all over the pavement. Not cool. With paper, you have a choice. You can carry them comfortably in your hands, or you can wrap them in your arms! You might even offer to put your plastic friends’ stuff into your bags because that’s what a good paper person does! Paper bags have more capacity. Some experts say that one paper bag, if packed right, can hold the same amount as four plastic bags! I have read that paper bags make good weed barriers too; keeping unwanted pests out of your backyard. They naturally break down and compost, so they won’t have an adverse effect on our planet.

Plastic bags are not easy to recycle, but they can be used in mafia movies where a guy is getting “whacked” by suffocation.  Also, their production requires the use of toxic chemicals. But, the scariest thing about plastic bags is that they cannot be left near babies or children. Doesn’t that tip you off to their danger? The fact that they have this warning printed on them also tells you a bit about the people who choose to use them. I mean, wouldn’t an intelligent person know better than to give a small child a plastic bag to play with? If you must choose plastic, at least reuse them as bathroom trashcan liners or doggie dropping picker-uppers. They are much better than paper at being full of ****.

Paper bags are easily recycled, often into corrugated cardboard. This cardboard can then be made into boxes so the current plastic bag can pack up his playthings and leave the White House. I hope this analysis helps you voters make the right decision the next time you shop for groceries or a president.