Midlife Crisis Management

I’m sure this will draw a few gasps from some of you, but I have been feeling extremely restless lately. Kind of like a cat on a hot tin roof. And I hate cats. Here’s the thing: I no longer want to be a mom/wife in the traditional sense. I mean I am fine with the sex and the conversation; it’s just the day to day aspect of the job.  And it is a job. This in no way means that I don’t love my husband and my two teenage sons. On the contrary, I love them so much, but sometimes I wonder if I was really cut out to be a “wife/mom” and all that entails.

During pregnancy, I never romanticized the whole beautiful vaginal birth thing. I remember telling my husband to get his face away from my face during our attempts to use what we learned in Lamaze. Lamaze is bullshit, by the way, when your husband is looking at the ticker tape attached to your belly and saying “ooh, this is a big one…it’s off the charts”. He said the same thing when the Northridge quake hit in January 1994. So, after 14 hours of labor with my first son, when the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but we will need to do a C-section right away”, I shrieked back at him, “I don’t care what you do, just get this thing out of me!” Needless to say, my second son was a scheduled Caesarian and it was very civilized. I knew when he was coming, so I could plan accordingly. I like that in a man.

 I really don’t like the infant stage at all. I have no desire to hold anyone’s baby…no matter who wants to thrust one into my arms. I am likely to rear back in horror. I always say, ‘give them to me when they can have a conversation and wipe their own butts’. Oh, and take them back when they are too old to have a conversation and wipe their own butts.

I don’t like to cook. Luckily, I don’t have to do much housework, thanks to our ability to have a housekeeper. (OK OK, my husband’s fabulous income.) Of course, I would starve before I gave up my housekeeper. What I do like are the interactions with my kids and watching them grow and learn and understand much more than I ever will.

I was talking to my husband about all of this the other morning while he shaved. He said, “I get it! I get it! I am tired of being responsible. I have been doing the same job for 27 years. I have been with the same woman for 26 years. I am tired of people depending on me!” Then he nicked himself right under his nose where it really hurts.

Are we (as a human race) meant to be monogamous?  Should marriage really be the social norm? I mean we are all tribal originally, right? Maybe the Mormons of old had it right after all. Of course, I would modify the cult to let the women have several mates and wear Dolce and Gabbana instead of those nasty pastel schmatas. Joseph Smith and Brigham Young would not be invited in. They are way too ugly. Dare I say it? Was Hillary correct when she said “it takes a village”? Hmm, no I won’t go that far. I think my husband and I have done just fine with our kids. Well, maybe you should ask them.

I know, I know. Some of you are thinking, “What a spoiled brat”…well yes, I am! I won’t deny it. I am almost 52 and I think it is time for ME. It’s time for me to come clean with myself. Admit that there are things I just will not do anymore. For example, I have given up on religion. I was raised first as a Catholic (until my mother realized that it is a misogynistic cult for the superstitious), then as an Episcopalian, which is basically Catholic without the guilt and more drinking, (the madras is optional). For years I went to church on Christmas and Easter but I stopped “believing” years ago. Now, I think I am finally old enough to make my own decision about this. And my decision is to stay in bed on Sunday mornings.  

So, what sort of mid-life crisis should I have? A flashy red sports car? A man half my age? A year in Italy? How about a year in Italy driving a flashy red sports car with a man half my age? No, I don’t want to be too greedy. Plus, men half my age are not experienced lovers and might be horrified at sagginess and cellulite! My husband says “have wife, 50, will trade for two 25s”. At least he would get a good deal there!

Alas, I will settle for some retail therapy and writing about all these things and hope you keep reading!

Comments

[JBL]

Margot, it is nature's way. You are ready for a new chapter in your life. Don't feel guilty about it. The kids are ready to fly the nest and you are ready for some time to yourself. Take it and enjoy - after many years of hard work. Raising kids is wonderful - but let's face it - it's a lot of work.

[Faith]

does anyone really romanticize about a vaginal birth? yuck - it's awful! Planned C-sections are the way to go!

[BWagon]

Doll, you have done an amazing job with those boys, you deserve the f-ing Nobel Prize. I gave in to my selfishness years ago and never looked back. Religion? Don't make me bust a gut (as Broderick Crawford said to Judy Holliday in Born Yesterday). Not for me. Spoiled? You bet. Crisis management? Call me, I'll go to Italy with you. BTW, you're a helluva writer. XXXX

[Carrabird]

I'm a few years behind you and feel the same way! Why not take a sabbatical somewhere exotic and fabulicous and by the time you get back your family will have learned to fend for themselves, leaving you forevermore free of the tedious nitty gritty previously required to make their lives run smoothyly! Am with you 100% on the infant thing. Those kids have got to be fully interactive!

[Levi Strauss]

From your blog I read that you have the traits of the following : communist- narcissistic- gluttonous and without conscience. Sorry, but your not my idea of femininity.

[Nicole]

fun read! miss you guys. xo